I always say I am going to update this, then I never do. Right now as I am all alone, I feel like I need to. My husband and I have gone through a hard time this week. It all started late one night while Haize was sleeping, my husband and I decided to stand in the kitchen together and wait for the results of a pregnancy test. I asked him "Do you think I am?". His response was "I think its about 50/50". I had been telling him that I was for days, I just knew it in my heart. I said "Well, I am about 99 to 1". So we looked, and there it was, 3 tests- all positive! I started freaking out, I didn't know what to think! He was ecstatic. I couldn't believe my baby boy was going to be a big brother. So days later I made Haize some cute shirts that said "Big Bro" and even got some announcements made. We were 7 weeks in and I told my husband that we would wait to tell everyone and we did, we held on to the announcements for a few days. Finally we couldn't hold it in any longer, so we sent them out. Just a couple days later in the emergency room we found out that the baby isn't developing right and my body is in the process of losing the baby. I was devastated, but sort of in denial. This has happened to us before, but at that time I wasn't a mommy yet, I didn't know what it felt like to love someone THAT much. So it was hard, but this was much much worse. I was just so confused, I didn't know why this was happening to us. Then I thought of the announcements which would be arriving at people's houses the next day. So I had to share the sad news, I didn't want anyone else to congratulate us because it was just like a knife to the heart. But I was still in denial. I was praying and aching for everything to be okay, to wake up from this nightmare. Today it has become such a reality. I have cried until my eyes are swollen. I feel like, as much pain as I am in today, it is nothing compared to the pain my heart is in. I am praying for some sort of answer to ease my grief.
I'm clinging to the thought that someday my husband and I will expect another baby, and it will be a miracle like Haize. I will not complain about how much I hate being pregnant, or that I hate going to the doctor, or how I hate being sleep deprived and being up all night with a newborn, or being spit up on, because I will be able to fully cherish a miracle. I will be ever thankful for every moment I have with my children. I will cherish every song and hug. I will remember every sweet smile.
And no matter what, I will never forget this poor baby in heaven, who I have been carrying for just a few short weeks, who my heart aches for, and who I already love so much it hurts.
